I don't want to call it as depression since I don't understand enough about depression when I was still a teenager back then. But what I know is I'd been struggling with myself a few years back, before I stepped into boarding school.
I lived with high expectation.
Once a week, there would be a small quarrel between mom and dad.
Back then, I didn't talk much at home.
Senyum pun jarang.
Boleh tengok balik gambar zaman kecil, memang sangat jarang senyum.
I do have siblings but adik bawah aku orang kelainan upaya, and the other two are still babies.
Masa tu, I don't have anyone that I can talk with.
Mama masa tu sibuk dengan business kedai, dan ayah pun kerja shift balik malam.
Haaa ada bibik!
Tapi bibik garang nak mampos!
Kat sekolah, I was someone else.
Lebih banyak tersenyum dan ketawa.
Main-main sudah semestinya.
Bermain cinta monyet apatah lagi.
Bila dah petang sebab orang kata sebelum maghrib setan banyak kat luar, masa tu jadi budak paling nakal.
Dengan berambut pendek persis macam budak lelaki, naik basikal merempit.
Tak sah kalau balik tak ada luka calar balar kat badan.
Benda tu dah biasa.
Masa tu lah aku nak jadi diri aku sendiri.
It became worst when I was 14.
Aku makin nakal,
Badan aku tak sah berbekas setiap minggu kena sebat.
Masa tu aku hanya mahukan perhatian daripada mereka berdua.
Mama dan ayah bergaduh hampir setiap hari,
sampaikan aku ada pernah terfikir,
"Oh sudah, tolong jangan cakap mereka bercerai!"
Aku takut.
Aku makin jadi pendiam di rumah.
Makian dan sebatan jadi makanan aku waktu tu.
there were so many things came in my thought.
I want to end things quickly.
Aku dah tak tahan sangat.
Mama menangis setiap hari.
Yes, I did suicide attempt once.
But it failed.
How? Telan pill. No one knows.
Why?
I just wanted to end things right away.
Hope that pain get away fast.
Aku mudah marah.
Aku mudah menangis.
Banyak benda bodoh aku buat masa tu semata-mata to escape from the 'darkness',
Padahal ada juga 'bisikan-bisikan' jahat yang selalu bermain di fikiran,
tapi cepat-cepat aku sedarkan diri dan cakap,
"Najla, jangan buat kerja bodoh! kau banyak dosa dengan mak, kau ingat kau boleh masuk syurga ke?"
Sekolah adalah tempat pelarian aku masa tu,
walaupun aku suka ponteng sekolah, atau berpeleseran entah kemana,
aku pastikan ada kawan kat sebelah aku.
aku akan cari kawan-kawan aku.
aku bermain,
aku aktif,
aku study group,
I recover myself pelan-pelan,
They believed that I had a potential di saat ayah selalu kata aku bodoh.
Entah dari mana I gained strength back,
mungkin asyik tengok mama nangis.
I decided to fight back.
yeah, I want to be a fighter since then.
and i am still a fighter.