now i'm back at 28

 ha.

after so long.

i'm back.

i guess a new me.

that you've never seen before.

came with unfolded and dark side stories.

there's some closure but there isn't.

still find a way. 

hoping.

those stories.

i will tell , some day.

uncertainty

have you feel that you are ready to fall in love,
because of something holds you from?

or maybe I am too scared of all kinds of 'what if'?

what if he never still not over with his ex?
what if he is a psychopath?
what if we are not compatible after 10 years together?
what if he never happy with me?
what if we are never an endgame?

a stupid jerk in my class

he was my first friend I made through a text message,

but it never long lasted after that.

I put aside his freaking annoyance nature,

let me tell you why I called him a stupid jerk.

first,

he called me a bitch.

why-why why?

I assumed he hated me when I encountered him a lot about his intolerance among other students,

and maybe one of the reasons I'm being that bitch,

I tried to not give a damn fuck on when he tried talking to me, and he didn't like me do that.

That's what I do when I dislike a person on earth.

second,

he is selfish.

why?

duh, there were so many reasons why to-listed.

third,

he is a cheater,

cheat about creating a code on presentation day,

I don't know when he started cheating,

but last time I saw he cheated on the final exam,

and he got an A's for that!

I hope he got rotten in HELL.

(sound of full of revenge)

the secret

I do love writing. like a lot. 

people usually love to write about their real-life journey.

how they went upside down on pursuing the dream that they create.

It was exciting because it was real.

but for me?

I don't have any.

there was no real.

only some imaginary things that I created since then.

I wrote.

then I kept.

Keep writing till now.

but too afraid to show them.

let me be overwhelmed for myself.

Somehow, I thought I always lived in my own world that no one can imagine that I have one.

and you can have to.

i am a fighter

I don't want to call it as depression since I don't understand enough about depression when I was still a teenager back then. But what I know is I'd been struggling with myself a few years back, before I stepped into boarding school.


I lived with high expectation.
Once a week, there would be a small quarrel between mom and dad.
Back then, I didn't talk much at home.
Senyum pun jarang.
Boleh tengok balik gambar zaman kecil, memang sangat jarang senyum.

Prefer to sit in my room alone, spent time drawing or writing a journal.
I do have siblings but adik bawah aku orang kelainan upaya, and the other two are still babies.
Masa tu, I don't have anyone that I can talk with.
Mama masa tu sibuk dengan business kedai, dan ayah pun kerja shift balik malam.
Haaa ada bibik!
Tapi bibik garang nak mampos!


Kat sekolah, I was someone else.
Lebih banyak tersenyum dan ketawa.
Main-main sudah semestinya.
Bermain cinta monyet apatah lagi.
Bila dah petang sebab orang kata sebelum maghrib setan banyak kat luar, masa tu jadi budak paling nakal.
Dengan berambut pendek persis macam budak lelaki, naik basikal merempit.
Tak sah kalau balik tak ada luka calar balar kat badan.
Benda tu dah biasa.
Masa tu lah aku nak jadi diri aku sendiri.

It became worst when I was 14.
Aku makin nakal,
Badan aku tak sah berbekas setiap minggu kena sebat.
Masa tu aku hanya mahukan perhatian daripada mereka berdua.
Mama dan ayah bergaduh hampir setiap hari,
sampaikan aku ada pernah terfikir,


"Oh sudah, tolong jangan cakap mereka bercerai!"


Aku takut.
Aku makin jadi pendiam di rumah.
Makian dan sebatan jadi makanan aku waktu tu.


there were so many things came in my thought.
I want to end things quickly.
Aku dah tak tahan sangat.
Mama menangis setiap hari.


Yes, I did suicide attempt once.
But it failed.
How? Telan pill. No one knows.
Why?
I just wanted to end things right away.
Hope that pain get away fast.


Aku mudah marah.
Aku mudah menangis.
Banyak benda bodoh aku buat masa tu semata-mata to escape from the 'darkness',
Padahal ada juga 'bisikan-bisikan' jahat yang selalu bermain di fikiran,
tapi cepat-cepat aku sedarkan diri dan cakap,


"Najla, jangan buat kerja bodoh! kau banyak dosa dengan mak, kau ingat kau boleh masuk syurga ke?"


Sekolah adalah tempat pelarian aku masa tu,
walaupun aku suka ponteng sekolah, atau berpeleseran entah kemana,
aku pastikan ada kawan kat sebelah aku.
aku akan cari kawan-kawan aku.
aku bermain,
aku aktif,
aku study group,
I recover myself pelan-pelan,
They believed that I had a potential di saat ayah selalu kata aku bodoh.


Entah dari mana I gained strength back,
mungkin asyik tengok mama nangis.
I decided to fight back.
yeah, I want to be a fighter since then.


and i am still a fighter.

graduation

people said 'don't live in hatred'

I tried.
I do tried. 
and I did.
Indeed, I'm still trying.

On my graduation,
bunch of my friends were so happy with their loved ones,
some with a bouquet of flowers or chocolates in their hands,
and there were some balloons in the air, especially for their day.

but I don't.

Dad was so deranged on that morning for some stupid reason,
and do you know what it is?
It's because he was lost driving to the ceremony.
My phone had a weak signal for Waze.

There was no smile on my face when meeting my friends on the way to the hall,
I was crying after getting my scroll.

I was felt downed.
So is my mom.

So every time my friends did some throwback abt graduation,
but all i felt was anger and rage.
there were no happy moments there.
none.

finally in degree life

I'm officially finished my final semester of my final year. Tak terasa 5 tahun berlalu dengan cepat untuk segulung ijazah sarjana muda. 5 tahun aku bergelut dengan diri aku dengan persoalan,

"Is this what I wanted?"

"Bukan ke aku bercita-cita nak jadi doktor?"

"Kenapa aku kat sini?"

Masa tu aku tak mampu nak patah balik sebab aku tahu ia pasti mematahkan harapan mama ayah. Semangat dan jati diri aku hilang entah kemana. Ayah bermain dengan emosi aku. Aku tak terkejut kalau aku ada masalah depression. Tahun pertama aku jatuh dan lost. Pointer aku jangan cerita, aku tak pernah expect seteruk itu. Macam biasa, aku berlagak tenang, because I believe God saw my whole efforts to bring out myself again. 

Kalau mama tanya pointer aku, aku just jawab, 

"Maaf sebab akak bukan orang pandai, tapi you know that I can make it at the end like always,".

 Masa tu aku fikir, aku harapan mama dan aku kena buat wanita itu happy.  Tahun kedua, aku jadi stable. I found a few persons that I trusted that I could share stories. Di mana aku boleh jadi diri sendiri. Diri aku yang aku tak pernah tunjuk kat rumah dan kepada sesiapa pun sebelum ni. Aku join mana-mana aktiviti yang aku suka to overcome my depression. Tahun ketiga, aku travel pergi Seoul, Osaka, Jogjakarta, Bandung dan Jakarta. Travelling is one of my way to escape from my miserable, pathetic and sorrowful life. Alhamdulillah both of my parents tak halang hobi aku yang ini. Perlahan-lahan aku jumpa diri aku balik. I became better.

Macam-macam aku belajar sepanjang 5 tahun. Kau akan discover another part of yourself that you haven't known all of your life. Kawan pertama yang kau jumpa masa hari pertama orentasi kadang-kadang bukan kawan yang ada kat sebelah kau masa hari terakhir semester. Kau akan jumpa groupmates yang susah nak ajak group discussion (mostly guys. Yang nampak alim dan baik tu lah jarang datang meeting. Tapi tak apa, asal they gave their parts in group project, then i'm okay). Sepanjang aku menuntut ilmu, classmates aku tak pernah nak unite (guys paling susah nak participate and tak sporting langsung) tapi mereka lah yang aku sayang tanpa syarat.

terima kasih sahabat